I is for...

Independence

This word has evolved a lot for me in the last year. I used to be a pretty dang independent woman. I tried to at least appear strong enough and smart enough to handle anything on my own. There were a few years towards the end of college and after that I kind of adopted a "man-hater" attitude and decided that I needed to approach life with the thought that I would always be alone and I needed to remain strong enough to handle that. I planned for my future in a way that would suit me the best. After starting work, I immediately bought a house and set up my retirement fund because I didn't want to wait until I had a family to do that. I didn't want to count on that. I liked that appearance I had. I felt like I was intimidating. People didn't understand that I could go on a long road trip by myself and not be lonely. People would shake their head at me when I would go camping or hiking with just my tent and my dog. I remember one day in particular, I felt very proud coming into work with dirty hands from changing my own tire in about a foot of snow and freezing weather. I liked being single. I liked being independent. I liked being alone.

Then...Jerod happened. Just like that. We really enjoyed each others' company and spent almost all of our free time together almost immediately after we started dating. I have talked about it in a few of my blog posts how I would have freak out moments of how fast everything was happening and how I would suddenly miss my independence and try to cling to it desperately. I would let it build up and then have a crazy fight with Jerod and end up telling him that I just wanted to be alone for a day or two. It would hurt his feelings and confuse him because I would make a complete 180 turn on him. But, then I would go away and then come back in a day in a great mood because I had my independence "hit" and I was good to go for a few more weeks. He finally learned that when I get all crabby and snappy, he just needed to leave me alone and I would be just fine after awhile. It was a really tough adjustment.

When we got engaged about a year ago, I had a few more freak-out episodes because I felt like I was losing that independent personality and appearance that I was proud of. I wanted Jerod and my independence and I didn't know how to have both. It's tough in those months of wedding planning because you are so absorbed in yourself as a couple. You are learning about each other and you are dealing with family issues and other stressful things and it's really consuming of your time and energy. I guess that made my world smaller and the loss of my independence didn't become such a big deal anymore. I started focusing on US instead of ME and I wanted to work hard at making the US part work.

I wasn't quite ready for this dramatic of a change. The other day I was listening to that Avril Lavigne song "When You're Gone" and I was shocked that I could actually relate to her lyrics. (Usually, all I can do is criticize Ms. Lavigne's lyrical skills.)

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry

This is how I feel about Jerod. I have never needed another person before. He isn't my identity and he doesn't define who I am, but he's my cohort in life and we're in it for the long haul. He is and always should be the second most important relationship (See "B" post for my #1 guy) in my life and I need to work to sustain it. So, that inevitably means a downsizing of my independence. That doesn't mean that my independence is completely gone, but it's nothing like it used to be. And I'm VERY ok with that.

On a sidenote:
Now that the wedding mess has died down, the world is bigger again (and now I have a wonderful partner by my side to face it). I feel like I need to apologize to my friends and family that I neglected in the very selfish wedding phase of my life. But, it needed to happen. Jerod and I needed (and still do need) to figure out "US". I haven't changed. I'm still me, but now with new and improved priorities. And I'm hoping this can only make me a better friend, sister, daughter, etc. Please bear with me.