T is for...

Temper

Sometimes, stereotypes can be completely off-base and proven wrong in a lot of cases. For example, my sister is a red-head, like I am. But, she doesn't have the red-headed temper. I've rarely seen her lose her cool. She's pretty steady across the mood gamut. And then there's me. I am the total stereotypical moody, temperamental red-head. Something can set me off at the drop of a hat. And I get screamy and destructive and teary. It ain't pretty. And I'm not proud of this particular trait in myself.

When I was a teenager, my temper was illustrated on just how hard I could slam a door. I remember my dad having to fix my bedroom door just so I was able to close it after one of my temper tantrums. I would get so angry that all I could do was stomp off and slam something really hard so it would make that satisfying *BANG* sound. And I have to shamefully admit, that when my teenage years left, the door slamming didn't totally leave with it.

I remember the first time I lost my temper in Jerod's presence. I didn't learn until later that he came from a pretty non-confrontational upbringing, so that explains why he looked like he was scared to death of me. It was our first real argument and I stood there and yelled at him and gave him my hateful eyes while he just stood there in shock. I learned a lot about Jerod that day. And he learned probably way TOO much about me that day as well.

Yeah. The yelling. Did I mention the yelling? This is the part I hate the most. My temper tantrums also usually involve me saying mean things that I instantly regret and have to apologize for soon after. But, I still say them. I still hurt people. And it's usually people I love the most, because people that don't know me extremely well haven't seen this ugly side of me come out. Why is it that it's only the people that we love the most that we can hurt the most?

I've gotten better about my temper. The teenage years were obviously the worst because of those horrible raging hormones. There was a time period in college where it wasn't so pretty because of another little chemical imbalance I was dealing with. It came out a little while I was dating Jerod just because I was dealing with being raw and vulnerable to another person. And of course marriage is a huge adjustment that throws my balance off even more and lets the ugly angry-Andrea beast out.

I've been blessed to be surrounded by extremely forgiving people that love me very much. My parents and siblings have seen the ugliest parts of me, yet they still display love to me. Jerod was so obviously made for me because of how he deals with my tantrums. He always acts in love when I get out of hand. He's calm and he never fights back with the same unloving anger that I spit out at him. And what I hate the most is that I wish I could promise that I won't get angry say or do hurtful things again, but I can't. It's a deep and dirty sin that I have a hard time stifling. I can work and work to get it under control, but I always screw it up eventually. I just have to constantly ask for that refining fire...and probably keep asking for many years to come. Pray for Jerod, would ya? :)