A Panicky Hypocrite

I rarely post about deep heart issues here because I always go back and read it later and roll my eyes. “Great, Andrea. Now, everyone knows just how screwed up your thinking is. Now, everyone knows that you don’t love God and others as much as you should. They know what a pathetic sinner you are. Nice work.” So, here’s to more regret and pathetic-ness (And butchering of the English language, I might add.) Forgive me if it gets long…

If you dare to read more, click here.

I’m always critical of the engaged couples I watch that spend months and months planning every detail of a wedding, but don’t take a second to plan the marriage. I guess this is one more dimension of hypocrisy I can add to my resume…

In small group this week, our leader asked us about our spiritual “goals” for 2007. Now, the only thing I associate 2007 with is a certain event occurring in July. That’s the goal for 2007! Duh! Get through the wedding with minimal cost and anxiety and then I’m good! His question got me thinking though. Just for a second, I snapped out of wedding mode and instantly got freaked out. Just a few thoughts that ran through my head were: “Crap. Am I ready to be someone’s WIFE?” “Every aspect of my independence will be changed and virtually gone.” “We aren’t just going to be Andrea and Jerod. We’re going to be an ENTITY.” “I have to get online and find a book to help me prepare!”

Jerod and I talk about our upcoming marriage constantly. We talk about our goals and our dreams. We talk about what we expect, both from ourselves and each other. We discuss, compromise, argue and try to wrestle it out. An awesome thing that I appreciate about our relationship is that we think alike. The control-freak programmers inside of us want a full and complete design in place before we begin implementation. Better to work the bugs out beforehand then after you find a huge design flaw, right??

Finances, housing, kids, dogs, health insurance, vehicles, careers, 401k’s….

But, then I get this panic attack. Have I thought it ALL through??

I have slipped up spiritually since becoming a “couple”. I’m a very methodical and scheduled person. But, I also need to mention that I’m a very BORING person too. So, if anything comes along to mess up the flow, it rustles all the papers on my desk. And the whole schedule is thrown off. And for some reason, I’m having a hard time finding the balance between time with Jerod, time with friends and family, time with the puppy, and time with God. Seriously. Last night I organized my kitchen fridge and pantry and it was so bizarrely satisfying that one thing in my life was back under control that even I had to question my own sanity.

Now, in six short months, I’m going to be someone’s WIFE. It won’t just be me taking care of me and my puppy. I won’t just be thinking of MY future and my career. And it’s also not just about MY spiritual health. I’m going to be on a life-long team with someone and I’m going to have to share my time and effort even more. How the heck am I going to balance THAT? If spiritual growth is stagnating now, I will never be able to handle this! Oh, it’s exhausting to think about.

So, someone tell me where the magic pill is. You know, the brightly colored peppermint flavored wife-pill that you swallow the on your wedding day and everything becomes easy again. Oh, what a hypocrite I am. God, forgive me for neglecting you and for leaning on Jerod in time when I should be looking to YOU for guidance. Forgive me for not always putting you in the center of Jerod and my relationship and decisions. Forgive me for not loving you enough to foster our relationship and instead focusing on temporal things. Forgive me for loving things of the world more then I love YOU. Forgive me for forgetting your promises and what you have brought me out of.

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD " — and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah
Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.
Psalm 32:5-8

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Matthew 6:28-33