Did I ever tell you about the time...

On one my drives home a few weeks back, I turned the radio channel to avoid yet another political ad. (These presidential primaries are totally the pits, aren't they?? I mean, I'm all for being an educated and responsible voter, but geez....it's hard to avoid all the flying mud in the air, isn't it?) After I had turned the channel, I asked Jerod, "Did I ever tell you about my most memorable abortion debate conversation?" I totally had, but I decided to tell him again, just because the story rocks that much. So, I was thinking that in the spirit of elections and all that jazz, I'd also tell y'all about it. (And I just gotta say, whether you're pro-choice, pro-life, or pro-I-don't-really-care, I still think this story kinda rocks.)

In the summer of 2000, I decided to spend the summer back at home and to get a couple jobs in my hometown. Besides house sitting, dog sitting, and slinging coffee, candy and ice cream, I spent most of my time working at a tree nursery just outside of town. It was a great job. I got to play in the dirt and water and mud all day. I would spend my mornings outside while it was still cool and quiet. I would prune, weed, organize, re-pot and water to my heart's content. It was one of those jobs that you could go the whole day without talking to a soul. You got to be outside, breath the fresh air, get sunburned and build up a strong back. I loved it. Around lunchtime when the day's heat really started setting in, I would raid the vegetable garden for lunch and then head inside to the A/C and desk to work the rest of the afternoon on the computer. Part of my job was to help out with the landscaping billing and bookkeeping. I really did have it made. I could enjoy the nursery during the best part of the day, and then head inside when it got the hottest and also when most of the customers would come expecting you to answer all their horticultural questions (which I really had no clue how to answer. Give me numbers. I can handle numbers.)

The owners of the nursery have three grown sons, and the youngest of the sons had just graduated Harvard and was home for the summer running the landscaping portion of the nursery. He also brought his girlfriend (and Yale grad), Vanessa, home for the summer. I didn't know much about her. I did remember hearing that her father was a senator or some other kind of politician or something, but I didn't really pay attention. She was nice enough and an unpretentious hard worker and I enjoyed working with her. There as also a ranch portion to the nursery, also ran by the same owners. It was one of these cool pleasant mornings while Vanessa and I were potting trees in the large potting shed. It was branding season, and you could hear the cowboys wrangling the cattle through the shoot, which was nearby. You could also hear the groan of the calves as they were individually castrated and branded. Vanessa was visibly bothered by this and couldn't help but comment on how cruel she felt the whole branding process was. I kind of chuckled and agreed that it probably wasn't the funnest experience in a cows life. After a while of talking about this, I mentioned that hurting a few animals really didn't bother me when I thought about how desensitized we as Americans have come to the millions of babies that have been murdered through abortion. I could tell that I just lit the spark in the fiery (and obviously pro-choice) Vanessa's eyes. But I, being my usual stubborn, opinionated self, obviously felt just as passionate and we sat there, next to a 30 foot high pile of dirt and had a heated abortion debate. I'm not sure how it all ended, but eventually we had to get back to work slinging trees and (ironically) mud. She never really did like me after that. She soon started helping her boyfriend on the landscaping jobs rather than the nursery end, so I didn't see much of her after that anyway. So, I eventually came to the end of my summer with a stronger back and a sunburned face and headed back to college.

During my senior year of college, the presidential primary elections were just starting to heat up. The obvious main candidates were pretty much already chosen and everywhere I turned on the television, you saw John Kerry and George W debating or shmoozing or participating in some other campaign related activity. I was home at my parents house for the weekend and FoxNews had a commercial showing John Kerry and his family. His family was talking about what kind of man Mr. Kerry was and how he was dedicated and honest and blah blah blah. His two daughters flashed up on the screen to talk about their dad and under their faces, their names were posted...Alexandra and Vanessa Kerry. I cocked my head as I looked at Vanessa's face. "Hey! You know who she looks like?? Oh....wait....her name is Vanessa too.....NO. FREAKIN. WAY!" (I'm a thick one, I know.)

So, now you know about the time I had an abortion debate with one of the presidential candidate's daughters. I'm tellin' ya. I should write a book...

Note to self

Awhile ago, I saw a meme going around on some of the blogs I read where people were writing letters to their teenage selves. A few weeks ago, I turned 27. I had a few reminiscent moments where I thought about what I was doing 10 years ago. Yikes, those teenage years sucked. So anyway, here’s my letter…

Dear 17-year old Andrea,

Yo, wassup? Dude. First things first. You make it to at least age 27. Score!

I just wanted to let you know that things get better. You know these things that your body and emotions do with the rolling and the tumbling and the UP and the DOWN? It’ll subside. I promise. Just remember that everything you are positive that you are “feeling with every ounce of your body”? You’re not. It is all hormones. Accept it. Chill out. And quit taking everything so seriously.

Oh yeah...he’s not that cute, he is far from your dream guy and he is HIGHLY imperfect. And he’s not worth throwing away your other relationships for. He’ll mess you up big time and it will take you quite awhile to get over him. But, you know what? He’s going to help shape you into who you are in the future. And you’ll be a better person for it. Just please don’t be so stupid about it, because you’re embarrassing your future self. Seriously.

Be nicer to people...even when it’s social suicide. Because high school lasts just a blink in comparison to how long you’ll feel guilt and regret. You know who I’m talking about. Just be her friend. And step up and defend her sometimes.

Your parents aren’t stupid. So, quit acting high and mighty like you’re getting away with murder. In a few years, they’ll be two of the only friends that you KNOW without a doubt that you can count on.

Dude. Enjoy the metabolism.

On the flip side, you’re making some very good decisions at the moment. On days when you get so tired of going straight from school to work, just remember that God will provide such awesome experiences for you to use that money on. They will be far bigger then you can imagine at the moment. Bigger than anything else you might be doing after school instead of going to work.

You know what? High school does suck. You’re right. I am sorry to say that this will be probably the hardest time in your life. But, dude, life gets SO much better. Just try to enjoy your last couple years at home. Treat your best friends right, because they really are some of the coolest people you’ll ever meet. Quit being such a snot. Chill out and try to smile more.

Oh, and treat that little Beretta better. It’s going to be with you for awhile yet. Quit driving so fast and hitting deer with it.

That is all.

Love,
Andrea

A Conversation of One

And now I will complain about the very thing I am going to write about. Um....yeah.

I've become one of "those girls". I'm not quite sure it's at the Bridezilla status yet, but if I was a friend in my life right now I would be all like, "Dude. Stop it. You're out of control." You know what I'm talking about. Because if you read my infrequent and bland ramblings here lately, you know what has been the topic of conversation and what saturates the oxygen I breathe and every neuron connection in my brain. And (if you haven't already closed your browser) you're all, "Chick, if you say the word 'wedding' one more time, I'm going to rip off your lips and stuff them up your nose and how will THAT look in your pictures while you're standing in your gorgeous dress next to you hot new husband??"

This is basically every conversation of my day:
Person other then me: How's it going?
Me: Oh my gosh, I'm SO tired and I'm so busy planning and we FINALLY got our engagement shots done and we got two wedding presents in the mail yesterday and I did my final fitting and I finally have my dress oh my gosh my dress is so beautiful and it's hanging in my bedroom RIGHT NOW can you believe it it's almost here I can tell you down to the second how long it is until my wedding do you want to know because I'll tell you and I'll tell you every crazy story that is going on in my life because they are all freakin' HILARIOUS because they have to do with MY wedding which is so important that I have to tell you every single detail....(continues on blathering for 20 minutes)
Person other then me: *wide eyes, drool gathering on quivering bottom lip*
Me: *deep breath* Yeah, so anyway, how's it going with you?
Person other then me: ...um...*sound of crickets*
Me: Yeah, ok. I'll talk to you later.

Then I turn and walk away and say to myself, "Dang it, I can't beLIEVE I just did that again. Are you capable of having a normal semi-unselfish conversation anymore??"

Today, this actually happened across...a parking lot!

I was never gonna be this girl. What happened? Soon it will be over, my friends...and we will all be out of our misery.

Yeah, so anyway, how's it going with you?

Hold on…let me GoogleDream that

Last weekend while Jerod and I were camping, my air mattress decided to spring a leak. After Jerod located the hole, I dug out the ole’ duct tape and put the prettiest patch over the teeny weenie insignificant hole and filled the mattress back up with air….and then promptly tested it out with a much needed nap. (Patching is hard work.) I woke up later to find myself on the ground once more with a tree root digging into my back. It didn’t work. And the patch after that didn’t work either. Whatever, duct tape…I’ve lost confidence in you. We both racked our brain to think of something we had in the camping supplies that would work, but came up with nothing. I spent the next night waking up periodically to roll off the mattress and pump it full of air again. I’m sure the neighboring campers loved the natural sounds of my electric mattress pump waking them up every couple hours. Anyway, during the REM cycles that I actually managed to reach, I started dreaming…about Google. In my dreams, I was Googling “Air Mattress Leak Repair” and I actually came up with results!! The number one hit was to use the same patch you would use on tire inner tubes, which I have watched my dad do to one of my car tires.

The next day, on the way back down off the mountain, I started to think about that dream. You know how dreams can pull things out of your subconscious that you had completely forgotten about? That’s exactly what my dream Googling did! Jerod and I had a few laughs and also came up with some ingenious marketing plans on our way back home. Your brain is, after all, just a giant hard disk of useful (but mostly useless) information that just needs to be indexed and searchable, right? So, when you’re stuck in your car and your radio trivia game comes on with that question that you KNOW that answer to, but just can’t think of it…..go to sleep!! GoogleDream it! When you’re taking that semester final test and your mind has gone blank….go to sleep!! GoogleDream it! That all-night cramming session won’t go to waste!

Last night, I went to a bridal shower that my some of the ladies at my parents’ church put on for me. One of the games was to tell some funny stories about me, but nobody could really come up with anything. Jen leaned over and whispered, “We should totally GoogleDream that.” I was like, “Oh! Good idea! Hold on…just let me go to sleep quick….”

Hello. My name is Andrea...and I’m a Googleholic

These are the days of our lives

One year and three months ago, Jerod and I went on our first date.

One year ago today, my Grandma Howe left us to be with her savior.

Yesterday, we received news that my future in-laws have the opportunity to move much much closer to us.

Yesterday, my Grandpa Howe was admitted to the hospital. (He's fine, by the way. Just there overnight for observation.)

Today, is the first day of summer.

Tomorrow, I will have been engaged for eight months.

In ten days, my big sister will turn 29. (For the first time.)

In 23 days, I will be an old married woman.

In one month, I will be in Italy.

Things can change so fast and so dramatically, can't they? I agree with Melodee. Time IS weird.

Melting my cold cold heart

After re-reading my post yesterday, I realized how much negativity I have been conveying over the last couple weeks and how self centered I really have been. But, I’m happy (and ashamed) to report that God is using this to teach me a lesson about my black black heart. Over the last week, I’ve had some amazing reminders of what ridiculous complaints I have had. Next month, I’m getting married….to a great guy. He treats me like a queen. My parents love him. His family is very cool. We have a lot to look forward to. I’m so very blessed. I’m complaining about my wedding being a stress that wedding always are. It’s not like it’s a surprise. And I know it won’t matter in the long run. It’s not like so many trying things that my friends are experiencing.

It’s not a miscarriage and dashed hopes.
It’s not a diagnosis of autism to a child.
It’s not a strained relationship with a teenage rebellious son that breaks a mother’s heart everyday.
It’s not a natural disaster that’s destroyed part of my home.
It’s not a devastating divorce and a messy custody battle.

Yesterday, I shocked myself. My sister compared it to an out of body experience as I watched my black heart manifest itself in my words and treatment of others. Reputations of friends and family suffered from my spiteful words. I was and still am so very ashamed. I awoke in the wee hours of this morning as I was overwhelmed by this dark cloud. Behind my eyelids, all I could see was this heavy black evil mass parking itself on my chest and pressing down. I just kept thinking evil and vengeful thoughts and picturing and piecing together horrible words I was saying to people I loved. I couldn’t stop. The anger was unfounded and unpredictable. I laid there for several minutes with that oppression before I had the “amazing” epiphany to actually start praying. Out of the recesses of my brain, I started quoting sections of Psalm 51 that I have no idea I had memorized. I clenched my eyelids shut as I repented and begged God to take the anger and vengeance out of my heart. I begged for release…and for sleep.

Why does it still shock me when God chooses to show me how REAL He is? I haven’t prayed like that in so long. I actually prayed with a faith that I knew he would release me from the bonds, yet as I watched the dark cloud behind my eyelids fade away, I was awestruck. I don’t know how long I prayed before He granted me the rest, release and the sleep I was asking for.

I awoke this morning still with lingering dark thoughts but I have not been so delayed in my asking my Father for help. Why does it have to go so far and I have to get so deep into my evil backsliding before I have to admit I can’t defeat it alone? I’m sorry for my dark and selfish posts lately. I actually thought of going back to delete them, but I need them to remain there as a reminder. I don’t have it all figured out. I can’t face it all alone. Because I fail every freakin’ time I try.

One other thing I have failed to do besides pray about this myself is to ask my brothers and sisters in Christ to intercede for me. I’m doing that now. So, if you feel so inclined, send one up for me, would ya? Thanks. Love you all.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit."
Psalm 51:10-12 KJV

(This is part of what I was praying last night. When I was trying to find it in my Bible this morning, it took me a long time because I didn't realize I was quoting the King James. I'm guessing it was planted in my brain by an old chorus we used to sing in the Church of God when I was a kid. Talk about truly HIDING God's Word in your heart. Yikes.)

Some days I can't deny that I'm totally a girl...

Have you ever had one of those crabby unsatisfying days where nothing sounded right. It's not like it's a really bad day. It's just an "off day". Everything feels a little off-kilter. My alarm went off way too early. My lunch never settled right. My Advil doesn't touch my headache. Work is uninspiring (aka BORING). People are annoying. I keep bumping my sore tendinitis wrist on virtually everything and everyone I walk by. My added cruise pounds are annoying me VERY much, but still not motivating me.

It's dissatisfying. I feel stuck and unmotivated. Don't want to be at work. Don't want to be at home. Don't want to sleep. Don't want to eat. Don't want to exercise. Nothing sounds good.

I feel as if I'm in a indefinite holding pattern. I feel like I'm stuck waiting. I don't want to wish my summer away. I don't want to take my job, my friends, my family for granted. Plus, I don't want to depend on the event in six weeks to fix this unsatisfied feeling. Shouldn't I be giddy and excited? Am I weird for just being frustrated and impatient? Shouldn't this be more fun? Am I totally weird?

I have no doubt in my mind that I'm marrying the right guy. He's so great and I'm so blessed to have him. I don't think this is cold feet. Anxious feet maybe?

Someone hand me a pillow. I need to scream for a second.

Freakin' hormones. Tomorrow better be better.

Spring in Montana

I know Spring blog posts are about a dime a dozen right now, but it just hit me this morning as I woke up to the sound of birds outside my window that this truly is the best time of the year in Montana.

When I get up in the morning and I feel that little chill coming in through my window, it reminds me of a summer in college where I worked in a tree nursery. In the early summer, before the heat hit, I would get there early in the morning so that I could enjoy the cool weather before the sun warmed everything up and made it first muggy and then eventually just plain hot. It's when the birds are the happiest and singing the most. It's when my shoes get entirely soaked just walking through the grass. It was then that I would work in the flower beds where there is no shade during the day and do heavy lifting that would make me pour sweat during the hot hours. I absolutely loved that job. It's why I love the smell of a greenhouse and could walk around in one all day just because I could smell that smell of wet dirt and growing plants forever. That summer, I had a strong back, buff arms, a green thumb and a tank top tan. I only ate fruits and vegetables for three months and I had never felt healthier.

Nowadays, I can't enjoy those mornings as much. I head off to work while it's still cool and the dew hasn't melted off. But, I still enjoy that chilly breeze coming in my window. I love the birds waking me up. I love the fact that my lawn doesn't need watering and still remains green and grows like crazy (even though that means more mowing). I love being engulfed in the smell of flowering trees and lilacs when I walk outside. I love the splashes of flower-covered pink and yellow and white trees as I drive to work. I love the smell of fresh-cut grass coming through my open car windows. I love the afternoon thunder clouds and never knowing if you're going to get rained on or not. I love cooling my house with the night air and coming home in the afternoon to still enjoy it.

Soon, the heat will come. The nights won't cool off as much. The A/C's will kick on. The fires will start. The air will be heavy with heat and smoke. The sprinklers won't be able to keep up with the dry weather. The only way to stay cool will be to jump in the Yellowstone or escape to the mountains.

Not to say that summers in Montana aren't enjoyable. I mean, you can't beat camping in the mountains and floating the river. It's just that I LOVE Montana springs. There is no other time that Montana is more beautiful.

A Panicky Hypocrite

I rarely post about deep heart issues here because I always go back and read it later and roll my eyes. “Great, Andrea. Now, everyone knows just how screwed up your thinking is. Now, everyone knows that you don’t love God and others as much as you should. They know what a pathetic sinner you are. Nice work.” So, here’s to more regret and pathetic-ness (And butchering of the English language, I might add.) Forgive me if it gets long…

If you dare to read more, click here.

I’m always critical of the engaged couples I watch that spend months and months planning every detail of a wedding, but don’t take a second to plan the marriage. I guess this is one more dimension of hypocrisy I can add to my resume…

In small group this week, our leader asked us about our spiritual “goals” for 2007. Now, the only thing I associate 2007 with is a certain event occurring in July. That’s the goal for 2007! Duh! Get through the wedding with minimal cost and anxiety and then I’m good! His question got me thinking though. Just for a second, I snapped out of wedding mode and instantly got freaked out. Just a few thoughts that ran through my head were: “Crap. Am I ready to be someone’s WIFE?” “Every aspect of my independence will be changed and virtually gone.” “We aren’t just going to be Andrea and Jerod. We’re going to be an ENTITY.” “I have to get online and find a book to help me prepare!”

Jerod and I talk about our upcoming marriage constantly. We talk about our goals and our dreams. We talk about what we expect, both from ourselves and each other. We discuss, compromise, argue and try to wrestle it out. An awesome thing that I appreciate about our relationship is that we think alike. The control-freak programmers inside of us want a full and complete design in place before we begin implementation. Better to work the bugs out beforehand then after you find a huge design flaw, right??

Finances, housing, kids, dogs, health insurance, vehicles, careers, 401k’s….

But, then I get this panic attack. Have I thought it ALL through??

I have slipped up spiritually since becoming a “couple”. I’m a very methodical and scheduled person. But, I also need to mention that I’m a very BORING person too. So, if anything comes along to mess up the flow, it rustles all the papers on my desk. And the whole schedule is thrown off. And for some reason, I’m having a hard time finding the balance between time with Jerod, time with friends and family, time with the puppy, and time with God. Seriously. Last night I organized my kitchen fridge and pantry and it was so bizarrely satisfying that one thing in my life was back under control that even I had to question my own sanity.

Now, in six short months, I’m going to be someone’s WIFE. It won’t just be me taking care of me and my puppy. I won’t just be thinking of MY future and my career. And it’s also not just about MY spiritual health. I’m going to be on a life-long team with someone and I’m going to have to share my time and effort even more. How the heck am I going to balance THAT? If spiritual growth is stagnating now, I will never be able to handle this! Oh, it’s exhausting to think about.

So, someone tell me where the magic pill is. You know, the brightly colored peppermint flavored wife-pill that you swallow the on your wedding day and everything becomes easy again. Oh, what a hypocrite I am. God, forgive me for neglecting you and for leaning on Jerod in time when I should be looking to YOU for guidance. Forgive me for not always putting you in the center of Jerod and my relationship and decisions. Forgive me for not loving you enough to foster our relationship and instead focusing on temporal things. Forgive me for loving things of the world more then I love YOU. Forgive me for forgetting your promises and what you have brought me out of.

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD " — and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah
Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.
Psalm 32:5-8

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Matthew 6:28-33

Love is in the air...

This weekend I had the opportunity to attend my friend Brian's wedding in Bozeman. It was incredibly beautiful and to see what they pulled off in the short time they had to plan was quite impressive. My wedding is in 8 months (to the day) and I'm already stressin'. It was really a great time and I got to see some of my dear friends that I've really been missing over the last couple years. The really exciting thing was being able to introduce Jerod to those that haven't met him yet. I actually got to the point of saying, "This is my fiancé, Jerod" to people without freaking out. I'm kind of getting used to the idea of being engaged, I guess.

People keep asking me if I'm excited for my wedding. Of course I am, but at the same time it seems like such a long time and I don't want to get too excited for it so it seems like the wait is even longer. The wedding this weekend scared me a little because as I was watching the bride walk down the aisle I realized, "Crap, everyone in this room is looking at that poor girl walk down the aisle....wait....that's gonna be ME in 8 months." Now, you non-introvert people that don't have this kind of paranoia don't understand this, but that is INCREDIBLE stressful for me to think about. But it made it all ok when I watched them make their vows to each other and their smiles on their faces. And then the reception was so fun to watch them dance and laugh and smile. It was hard to not get romantic after watching that.

Unfortunately, I committed the mortal sin of forgetting my camera at home so I don't even have any cool pictures to post. Bummer.

Yeah, I've got a problem with it

This has got me fumin'. Ok, I'll admit. I'm "angry-blogging" right now. But, I just read something that has pissed me off (let's just blame it on the red hair). It is books like THIS that makes my stomach churn and that gives a bad name to God's view of singleness and single people. Now, in all fairness, I have not read this book. All I have read are a couple reviews (both positive and negative) that make me never want to read the book EVER. I'm even actually kind of mad at myself for linking to a seller of the book. Here are a few excerpts from a pretty comprehensive review I found on ChristianityToday.com. But first, here is the synopsis that the book advertises.

Singleness is a "gift," at least that's what we've been taught. But if singleness is a gift, then why does it make us feel so miserable so often? Does God really want his children to embrace a gift they resent so much?

Ok, it starts off ok. I'm thinking it's something I could probably read and benefit from. But wait, there's more.

Debbie Maken proposes that marriage is the fundamental design and structure for life that God chose for his people. She argues that the church needs to reemphasize the importance of the gift of marriage. This book issues a challenge to churches in their teaching and attitudes toward singleness and to believers in their understanding of God's intentions regarding marriage.

I bet to differ. I think the church's problem is the exact opposite. How about we focus on God's view of you as a PERSON, not as a spouse of another person. Singles are ostrocized in the church nowadays. See?? I just did it myself by labeling us "singles". Your relationship with God is just that....YOUR relationship. It is not your husband's or your wife's. In God's eyes, every person is whole and complete and worth saving and loving, regardless of their marital status. Why can't we think that way too??

Ok, on to the review of the book. Girlfriends, prepare your percolators....

Now happily married and the mother of two young girls, Maken drew a map—in the form of her book, Getting Serious About Getting Married—to the Land of Marital Bliss. She hopes to prevent her daughters and countless single women across the country from having to experience any more "unnecessary protracted singleness."

Yes, those poor poor sinners that are "unnecessarily" single. Suckers....

Maken seems to think a vast majority of singles view their solo status as a special gift from God.... Based on this assumption, she spends the lion's share of the book arguing a case for marriage. Unfortunately, she doesn't stop there; she also makes a case against adult singleness, going so far as to call it unbiblical—and marriage a "biblical mandate" for all but the few who have been called to full-time kingdom work that makes family life impossible (a la biblical singletons Paul, Jeremiah, Barnabas, and John the Baptist) or who have a medical condition that makes them unable to perform marital "duties."

Yeah, let's just forget about God's will, shall we?

She also employs a troubling technique common in Christian circles—making the descriptive prescriptive. The Bible mentions "the wife of your youth" a couple of times, so Maken extrapolates that all should marry young. Maken found her spouse by "enlisting agency" and therefore asserts that all singles will find resolution in the same manner.

Oh dear, if I married the guy I was dating when I was 17 or 18......geez, I don't even want to think about that disastor...

The 30 pages of solution at the end of the book suggest that dating is a harmful, ineffective means of meeting a spouse; that single women should move home or at the very least employ a father or father-figure to find potential suitors; that we should limit men's access to single women (which apparently lowers their motivation); and that singles shouldn't take much more than three months to figure out if someone is a good marriage match.

I love my mom and dad and all. And I respect their opinions greatly, especially when it comes to my future spouse. But I'd like to pick my own husband, thank you!

I loved the author of the review's response in her final paragraph..

Most of us still-singles aren't trying to glorify singleness but to redeem it from second-class citizenship, to remind ourselves and our family-centric churches that God loves, values, and wants to work through all his kids—whether married or single. If we're going to get serious about some of these difficult singleness realities, and I think we should, why can't we also get realistic, accurate, and gracious?

Amen.

A month ago today...

I was visiting my grandma in the nursing home with Jerod. I wanted her to meet him, even though for the last couple years she hasn't been able to communicate with us and interaction with her had become extremely difficult. I talked to her about how we had just gotten back from a rainy camping trip like the ones her, grandpa and I used to take and how I just couldn't nail down the secrets of her Angel Food Cake recipe. She looked good and she even appeared to try to talk to me at one point. For the first time since she went into the nursing home, I cried when I left. Something seemed different about that visit. I just thought it was the reminiscing that got to me...

Sunday I got a call from my parents that my grandma was back in the hospital with pnemonia (she had just recovered from the Norwalk Virus a few days before). It appeared that she also had another stroke and had lost her ability to swallow. My grandpa and his kids had also made the difficult decision to not go down the feeding tube route. The speech pathologist had no choice but to recommend no more food, and they took her off all the IV's. They put her on comfort measures only and we began the waiting game.

From the minute they took her IV out, we made sure that she was never alone in her room. So, with everyone pulling together, we were able to take shifts where she almost always had at least two of her kids or grandkids with her. I headed home to Big Timber almost every evening after work and tried to be there as much as possible. I haven't ever really been around sick or dying people. I've tried to work out some eloquent way to write about it or explain it, but I quit trying. I don't think there are real words for it.

I remember one day in particular when we were all very tired and we were starting to get cranky. I was in an extrememly pissy mood and every time I would look at my grandma's pained face, I had an overwhelming anger at God. My grandma was one of the most devout, solid Christian women I have ever known. Yet, she was suffering so badly and she couldn't even communicate it to us. We just had to guess when she might possibly need the morphine or other medications to help her sleep. It wasn't fair and I was letting God know about it. It wasn't until later that I actually thought about what my grandma would tell me about my attitude and my anger. She would not have approved.

It took my grandma a little over a week to die from when they took all fluids away from her. It was a bittersweet time with my family. I became a lot closer to an aunt that I had never really had a real conversation with. She told me things about my grandma I had never heard before. She had been sick for so long, that it was getting hard for me to remember my grandma back when she was healthy and walking and talking. One thing that resonated among all of us was how grandma affected and shaped us, even though she never was a big talker and always a very quiet spirited woman. She was incredibly strong physically and spiritually and it showed. I know she was out of it most of the time from the morphine, but I really hope my grandma heard and understood those conversations around her. I hope she knew how many hearts she had touched and how many lives she had affected. I pray that she gained some sort of comfort and hope in those times of fear. I hope she saw that she had taught her children and grandchildren, through her consistency and faithfulness, how to love.

I love the thought of Grandma with her Savior. I really have no idea what heaven will be like, but I'd like to think of her running through fields of wildflowers on healthy legs and I can see her holding her baby girl....and finally being able to smile again. I love you, Grandma and I miss you so much, but I rejoice in the hope that we have in Christ...the hope she showed to me and taught me everyday.

Beulah Ruth 1925-2006

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Proverbs 3:5,6

myGod==self ? myLife=failure : myLife=conquerorInChrist*

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:35-39

Recently, different circumstances have been bringing me back to Romans 8. Whether it was conversations, or devotionals, or sermons, it seems like God has wanted me to spend some time here. Good ole’ Oswald Chambers directed me there again today. I could just steal from him again and post his thoughts, but I thought I better come up with something on my own. Maybe it would help me to sort out what God’s trying to get through to me.

One of the biggest faults I have is forgetting who I am. I have this sinful tendency to hide behind these walls of my heart and build up a little Andrea-statue. This statue is my ideal woman. She’s fit and trim and beautiful and patient and strong and yak yak yak. And then when I have her perfect and standing there on her pedestal in all her glory….I compare myself to her…and I spontaneously combust...

My first realization of man’s depravity, I was relieved. My comparisons to the Andrea-statue were no longer necessary because I knew I would never EVER compare. But still, my sinful tendency is to stop there and forget who I am NOW in Christ. Sure, I’m pathetic, I’m incapable, and I’m a failure. I face the evils of the world, the hardships, the pain and I am broken by them all. Instead of turning my face heavenward to my redeemer, I turn even more inward and adopt a “screw the world!” attitude. “I’m building this statue of who I’m gonna be and then you’ll all see!! You’ll see who I REALLY am!!” I forget. I forget about the incomprehensible love God had for me to cover up my inadequacies and to cleanse me from my sins and failures. And that love is never going to fail, even if I do forget about it once in awhile or I’m deceived that it WILL fail and I’ll have nothing to fall back on. Oswald Chambers puts it, “Can God's love hold when everything says that His love is a lie, and that there is no such thing as justice?” I like the idea of not just conquering all this deceptive crap, but MORE then conquering it because of who I am in Christ Jesus. God looks at me and does not just see my failures. He looks and sees my failures FORGIVEN.

Now, if only I can remember that tomorrow…

*coded title is dedicated to my partner in geekdom, Jerod.

Denominational Gauntlet

"Teacher," said John, "we saw a man driving out demons in your name and we told him to stop, because he was not one of us."
"Do not stop him," Jesus said. "No one who does a miracle in my name can in the next moment say anything bad about me, for whoever is not against us is for us. I tell you the truth, anyone who gives you a cup of water in my name because you belong to Christ will certainly not lose his reward.”
-Mark 9:38-40 NIV

Last week, I was having a conversation with my mentor about this passage. It was so good and it has been sticking with me all week. She told me a story about an acquaintance of her that was seeking Christian counseling from someone that was not in our church or denominational circle. She had to struggle with her first reaction of disappointment that this person was not seeking the counseling from one of our church leaders. She knew it wasn’t right, but she saw the other counselor as not doing as good of job. She had to stop and remind herself that God is bigger then that and he does his work wherever he sees fit.

I think we Christians all have to fight that attitude at one point. We see “God’s work” being done by others and we can have this initial judgment of them not doing it right. In my past, I have literally run the “denominational gauntlet”. I was raised in a Pentecostal church, then moved to an Evangelical church, went to a Baptist church in college and now attend a reformed Presbyterian church. More and more, I believe that I am not yet finished either! I believe God has given me these experiences because he knows my natural sinful inclination to be closed minded about certain things. When I find myself hiding away in my little denomination niche and judging others, I have to remind myself that he has used each and every church I have attended to teach me and grow me in unique and mind-bending ways. It has broadened my view of God and makes me stand in awe of his true sovereign plan and his ability to use us in any way he sees fit. I just hope and pray that God continues to widen my focus and to grow bigger in my eyes…

Start the insanity

Yeah, she’s back. I stopped blogging over at Kindred Spirits a few months back because I was over-working at my day job. I also quit because I felt like I was continuing to do it simply out of guilt. Guilt about what, I don’t know!! Recently, my friend, Marlene (who has an AMAZING blog about her son, by the way) encouraged me to start my own. So, I mulled it over in my mind. Would it turn into another guilt-trip where I felt like I HAD to post something so many times a week? Or could I just use it as an outlet and place to talk about what’s going on in my life and thoughts? Well, I’m attempting for it to be the second, but who knows how successful I will be. I admit that, when blogging over at KS, I had to filter my posts. I had to always think about my fellow kindred spirits and worry about what they may think of what I had to say. That was cheating, I think. So, I just widdled it down to posting a few censored links every week and calling it good. It was lame….and unfair to the girls, the readers, and myself. Maybe there is a new-found freedom in a personal blog. I don’t know. I guess I’ll try it out and see.

So, here I go. I’m not promising consistency or originality or delicacy or intelligence or wit. It’s just me jotting down a few ideas or thoughts in an attempted intelligible way. I AM a computer programmer, so don’t expect too much in the creative or grammatically correct categories. I also have a great knack for starting things and never finishing them. My list of unfinished, unrefined hobbies is staggeringly long…believe me. So, keep your expectations low and check back again sometime!