Melting my cold cold heart

After re-reading my post yesterday, I realized how much negativity I have been conveying over the last couple weeks and how self centered I really have been. But, I’m happy (and ashamed) to report that God is using this to teach me a lesson about my black black heart. Over the last week, I’ve had some amazing reminders of what ridiculous complaints I have had. Next month, I’m getting married….to a great guy. He treats me like a queen. My parents love him. His family is very cool. We have a lot to look forward to. I’m so very blessed. I’m complaining about my wedding being a stress that wedding always are. It’s not like it’s a surprise. And I know it won’t matter in the long run. It’s not like so many trying things that my friends are experiencing.

It’s not a miscarriage and dashed hopes.
It’s not a diagnosis of autism to a child.
It’s not a strained relationship with a teenage rebellious son that breaks a mother’s heart everyday.
It’s not a natural disaster that’s destroyed part of my home.
It’s not a devastating divorce and a messy custody battle.

Yesterday, I shocked myself. My sister compared it to an out of body experience as I watched my black heart manifest itself in my words and treatment of others. Reputations of friends and family suffered from my spiteful words. I was and still am so very ashamed. I awoke in the wee hours of this morning as I was overwhelmed by this dark cloud. Behind my eyelids, all I could see was this heavy black evil mass parking itself on my chest and pressing down. I just kept thinking evil and vengeful thoughts and picturing and piecing together horrible words I was saying to people I loved. I couldn’t stop. The anger was unfounded and unpredictable. I laid there for several minutes with that oppression before I had the “amazing” epiphany to actually start praying. Out of the recesses of my brain, I started quoting sections of Psalm 51 that I have no idea I had memorized. I clenched my eyelids shut as I repented and begged God to take the anger and vengeance out of my heart. I begged for release…and for sleep.

Why does it still shock me when God chooses to show me how REAL He is? I haven’t prayed like that in so long. I actually prayed with a faith that I knew he would release me from the bonds, yet as I watched the dark cloud behind my eyelids fade away, I was awestruck. I don’t know how long I prayed before He granted me the rest, release and the sleep I was asking for.

I awoke this morning still with lingering dark thoughts but I have not been so delayed in my asking my Father for help. Why does it have to go so far and I have to get so deep into my evil backsliding before I have to admit I can’t defeat it alone? I’m sorry for my dark and selfish posts lately. I actually thought of going back to delete them, but I need them to remain there as a reminder. I don’t have it all figured out. I can’t face it all alone. Because I fail every freakin’ time I try.

One other thing I have failed to do besides pray about this myself is to ask my brothers and sisters in Christ to intercede for me. I’m doing that now. So, if you feel so inclined, send one up for me, would ya? Thanks. Love you all.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit."
Psalm 51:10-12 KJV

(This is part of what I was praying last night. When I was trying to find it in my Bible this morning, it took me a long time because I didn't realize I was quoting the King James. I'm guessing it was planted in my brain by an old chorus we used to sing in the Church of God when I was a kid. Talk about truly HIDING God's Word in your heart. Yikes.)